Forgiving Myself for Addiction in Motherhood

Forgiving myself for falling into substance abuse in motherhood has been one of the hardest parts of my recovery journey. The truth is, I haven’t fully done it yet. Forgiveness still feels like a process I revisit almost every day. I carried shame long before substances, long before motherhood. But when I became a mother, the shame had a sharper edge. The voice in my head was ruthless: you should know better, you don’t deserve to be a mother, what is wrong with you?

I used to believe forgiveness was a one and done thing. But I’ve come to see it differently. Forgiveness is learning to live alongside the past without letting it bury me day after day after day. Just when I think I've conquered the beast, she rears her head again for me to revisit and forgive.

Small ShiftsThat Add Up

For years, I asked myself terrible questions: what kind of mother does drugs? What kind of mother can’t stop for her child? The answers hurt. But I eventually understood that substances were not the problem, they were my solution. They gave me relief from the unbearable chaos and inadequacy in my head. That perspective didn’t excuse my behavior, but it helped me see myself as a human being, not just a failure. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, around 21 million Americans suffer from addiction, demonstrating that many face similar struggles and I AM NOT ALONE.

So I started to practice mercy. I told myself I would try to love myself into sobriety rather than shame myself into it. I whispered things like, you did the best you could with what you had. At first, I didn’t believe it. But repetition turned it into a lifeline.

Little shifts happen all the time, the most recent came through my internship at Guardian Ad Litem. Reading case reports of children removed from parents who struggled with drugs brought up a deep ache. But instead of judgment, I felt compassion. I recognized my story in theirs. And I realized, if I'm not judging them, why am I judging myself?

Motherhood, Addiction, and the Anatomy of Mercy

Motherhood addiction carries a unique weight. Memories still surface that make me wince: the times I used when she was home, the times I put her at risk. Shame rises fast in those moments. But I no longer let it consume me. I sit with the feeling, breathe through it, and remind myself that I am not defined by the worst thing I’ve done.

I also remind myself that I had support systems that made a difference. I wasn’t “better” than the parents in the reports I read. I just had people who caught me when I fell. Acknowledging that softens my judgment. It leaves room for gratitude instead of punishment.

Practicing Forgiveness: What Helps Me

Self forgiveness and self-love recovery is not a straight line. It’s a daily commitment. It involves acknowledging my past rather than glossing over it. I recognize that I am not defined by my mistakes. I do my best to use affirmations to combat negative self-talk. Instead of saying, “You are unworthy,” I affirm, “I am doing my best, and I deserve love.” Science supports this approach, but it's not the only way.

I journal when the old guilt resurfaces. I treat myself with the tenderness I would offer a scared child. And most importantly, I allow myself to be human.

I share my story too, this helps me to process the experiences and to shine a light on the shame instead of burry it deep within. Sometimes I have to sit in the mire with my shame too. I have come to accept it as part of my experience, sometimes I just need to feel it. There is so much grief that I carry. Every tear-drop I imaging is a release of some aspect of my bondage.

I can’t erase the past. I wouldn’t even if I could because it’s what brought me here. Forgiveness for me is not about forgetting. It’s about choosing love over shame, again and again, one breath at a time.

If you are wrestling with forgiving yourself, know that it doesn’t have to be complete or perfect. You can start small. One kind word to yourself each day. One moment where you pause instead of punish. Over time, those small acts add up to something much bigger, a life where forgiveness is possible.

A peaceful landscape symbolizing hope and healing