Misunderstood

Looking back on my life, I now can see clearly all of the warning signs and missed signals that were precluding me from having a 'normal' life. It's easy to see now, but 30 years ago, mental health issues in young children were misunderstood and misdiagnosed.

Before puberty, I struggled with panic attacks that were confused with sports asthma (true story), obsessive rumination about illnesses and relationships, incessant chatter in my mind, and deep, debilitating depression. The diagnosis....severe depression, that was it. That was the diagnosis that followed me around for the majority of my life and left me feeling completely misunderstood and a little bit crazy.

The next 30 years were smattered with periods of depression, OCD spirals, anxiety, addiction, toxic relationships, debilitating self worth issues, CPTDS, and an overall lack of understanding of who I was. This is not to say, my life has been terrible, on the contrary, I have lived a wonderful life filled with growth, support, and love but when the pendulum swung, it swung far and wide.

I've been lost more times than I can count, ashamed, alone, and convinced there was something inherently wrong with me....there was no convincing me otherwise because I just knew I was born flawed.

Living with this knowing and the unmanaged chaos that was occurring within my mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for over 30 years, has dire consequences....masking, addiction, abuse and neglect to myself, and plummeting to the depths of my personal hell.

We can only live like that for so long until something has to give, and when it does, we can only hope we come out the otherside better for it, if at all. I've completely broken in half a couple of times in my life, once when I was 21 and again when I was 38. I've lost more people that I can count who didn't get the chance to put the pieces of themselves back together and I count my blessings every day that I have been afforded that opportunity, not once, but twice.

What has transpired in my life since the final breaking has been nothing short of miraculous. I now see myself more clearly that I ever thought possible, I understand myself, my needs, and my mind, and I am deeply connected to myself and others in a way that I only dreamed of. Before this transformational experience, I was wandering around without a clear purpose or vision, not knowing what I wanted to be 'when I grew up' and being met with dead-ends everywhere I turned.

Today I have purpose, drive, motivation, and the strength to meet whatever comes my way. The devils of my past have been put to rest once and for all. My connection with myself and my higher power is unshakable and I am continuing to learn more and more every day. I have finally stepped into my life and am in the drivers seat. No longer are the days where I am a victim to whatever is happening to me. Today, I flow in the direction of my highest good, I let go of the things that no longer serve me, and I trust that as long as my intentions are set in truth, I will be divinely guided. Today life happens for me, not to me, and for the first time in my life, I no longer feel misunderstood.